When You See Me

When you see me, I hope you aren’t disappointed by my wear. I hope the tattered edges and threadbare sides don’t put you off. I hope my gray and faded patches don’t fill you with alarm.

When you see me, I hope the rawness of my person and the frailty of my words don’t leave you wanting more.

When you see me, I hope you don’t feel sad at the loss of glamour. I hope you aren’t dismayed by my lack of glitter, or discouraged by what you had hoped to see.

When you see me, I hope you really see me. A person who knows sadness. One who feels contentment. Someone who has met grief and knows him by name. A mother who lives on hope and digs doggedly for joy, mining for it in the often too-hard soil of every day.

Subdued, not shiny. Silver, not gold.

But loved. And eager to love, too.

When you see me, I hope you see family. I hope you see acceptance. I hope you see someone who sees you.

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Recently I have been struggling with imposter syndrome. I am overwhelmingly thankful for the growth of Frecklefaced Adventures and the community we’ve built, but I feel exceedingly inadequate for it. I feel like someone else should be heading this. Someone who has their life together. Someone who is smaller…prettier…more educated. Someone with a real job who has training. I feel worried that people are sad I am not better, not brighter, not more deserving of love. It occurs to me that I am probably not the only one feeling this way. I try to be very real in the things I post, but social media has its limits. We can’t post all of the struggles we’re experiencing. So no matter what, we are still only getting an abbreviated and edited view of each other’s lives. This leaves us feeling unknown, unseen, and alone. “If only everyone knew who I really was. If only they could see how I am really feeling. Then they wouldn’t like me.”

I promise, if we should meet in person, I will try and see you. All of you. The easy and the hard. The shiny and the dull. The pretty and the painful. You are allowed to have both. And it doesn’t make you any less worthy of love.